Saturday, March 3, 2012
I have healed more here in the few months living here, than I did the past four years. I feel my husband so strongly here. This would have been his dream home. That man loved the woods!
When my husband was alive, we would take our dogs and walk in the woods of Maine and New Hampshire. There are so many beautiful trails.
He taught me so much, and I miss him so desperately. But, I know, when my time is done, he will be there to get me. I used to wish that it would be immediately. I didn't know how i could ever survive without him.
Oh, some days are very tough to do so, and other days, I know that there are adventures for me to have, so, that when we are rejoined, we can swap all kinds of stories.
I was so angry at God for making the mistake of taking my husband, that when my dad was leaving us to rejoin my beautiful sweet mom, I told him that when he gets to Heaven, to please tell God that he was wrong and I have a lot to say when I get there.
Now, the funny thing is, I was only angry with God; not Jesus. Oh, I thought that by being angry only at God, I was teaching Him a lesson for making a mistake. So, I would continue to talk to Jesus and pray, but, only to Jesus, because, He was my bro. He knew what I was feeling and He understood my rebelling.
How could God take away everything from me in less than a year, how could He do that to my daughter? She was only 22 and had more pain in that one year of sadness than I had in my entire life!
But, unlike me that crumbled, Leah, who has so much of her dad in her, threw her shoulders back and stood up straight and carried the weight so silently.
Leah finally asked me to go seek some help, I wasn't moving forward and it had been over a year. She told me that not only had she lost both of her grandparents, and father, she also lost her mother. She was right. I was lost, I truly didn't think that I would ever be able to find my way out of the darkness. Thank God for her love and strength. She is an amazing woman! I have been Blessed.
I'm not sure when I stopped being angry at God. I am aware that anger is just one of the steps in grieving, but, slowly it left, the anger that I had for God, but I actually realized it during the funeral for Whitney Houston.
There is just something about a Black Southern Baptist Church. They love God and are not ashamed. They feel the Spirit and stand and clap and shout AMEN! You truly experience God's love for you in those churches. The music is so full of joy and life that you can't help but feel it.
When we were growing up, my dad was in the service and one of the places we lived was Florida. Florida in the 60's. It's bad enough that we were Catholic and had friends that weren't just white...we were raised that all people are equal. You need to never pay attention to the outside, to skin color, to deformities, you need to see what's on the inside. Our neighbors loved my parents, but, would give their opinions to my folks about what they felt about our thinking. But, my dad would always come out the winner in a gentle way.
I was lucky enough to be able to go with my friend to her church in Florida. I had to go to my church with my family but, on Wednesday nights my mom would let me go with my friend to her church. I loved everything about it. The big hats, the white gloves, the AMENS. No one cared that I was white, we were all there for the same reason, worship. I miss that church! I miss the feeling that you have from being touched by the love in that church.
I have gone to a couple of Southern Baptist Churches up here, but, they just aren't even close to being the same. So, I will pray that we get a few up this way. I think everyone should experience the love from there.
We all have lessons and trials that we must go through, and we all want the people and pets we love to live forever. What I realize is that even though I had turned my back on God, He continued to love me. He didn't turn his back on me.
Normally, I am not one to force religion down your throat, but, I KNOW that I have been blessed all my life! I was raised by two fun loving parents, and have my four wonderful brothers and two fantastical sisters; not to mention their spouses and all the children. I am so thankful for my family.
Family is so very important.