Thursday, March 8, 2012
There are some dreams that I still remember so clearly and they were years and years ago. I had a dream when I was six months pregnant (after Leah was born, that Jesus and Mary) came to me and told me that I was going to lose my baby, but, the baby would be with them and that I will be okay. Strange dream, but, when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and lost my baby. I must admit that my ex-husband was very kind to me that day. But, I actually was emotionally alright. I still had Leah and I was so thankful for her, plus, I took care of my sister Chrissy's three children Anji, Tiffany and Aaron while she worked second shift. I was surrounded by the love of little ones. All the chill'ens were 2 years apart including Leah so, they were all like brother and sisters. Leah wasn't an only child after all.
I had a dream after my husband died, I remember it as if it just happened. I can even tell you the night I had it. It had only been five days after burying my husband and my dad lay in the hospital dying, my husband came to me in my dream.
Oh I was so so happy to see him. We were sitting on a red and white checkered blanket and had a picnic set out on it with grapes and roast beef sandwiches. I couldn't stop kissing him and I kept telling him how happy I was to see him and he just smiled his beautiful crooked little smile with those gorgeous dimples.
Then I told him that I had the worst nightmare. I dreamed that he had died and I was all alone and didn't know what to do.
His smile disappeared and he looked so sad. So, I said " Oh Gilly, please don't tell me. I wasn't dreaming was I?" His blue eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart breaking. He never spoke. He just shook his head.
I was crying when my phone rang and woke me. It was my brother Peter calling to tell me that my dad had passed away. As sad as I was for me losing him, I was so happy that he was no longer heartbroken. I know he was with my mom, his love, his life and he was so happy again.
It was the day after Thanksgiving. My dad had held on so we wouldn't have a holiday to be sad on, but,it ended up being my wonderful brother in law's birthday. Poor Jim, he is so loving and kind and now his day is also a memory of losing my dad.
Now, when my husband comes to visit me in my dreams, we do things. We go horseback riding and racing in go carts. It is always something fun and adventurous, just as if he were still here with me.
My folks come to see me sometimes too. They are so happy and young and whole again. I always wake up feeling like we had such a great visit!
When I lost my mom, I thought I would never heal! I cried every night. I took care of her and now, didn't know what to do with her gone. As much as I hurt, I didn't realize the depth of my dads pain. Don't get me wrong, I knew quite well he was hurting and badly. I told my husband and cousins that I didn't see him making it until Christmas because his heart was so broken.
I soon came to realize the depth of my dad's pain when my husband passed. How can a heart that is so shattered keep beating? Why does it have to. I knew how happy my dad was to be with my mom again. It was hard for me to be sad for his passing. I miss him greatly, but, I know he is where he wants to be. My thing was now I was angry! Not angry with him, not angry with my mom or husband, I was angry with God! How could He, a loving God do this? How could He take everything from my daughter and me. How come He even took family from us. (Some of my husbands family don't love us, maybe they never did.) How come He wouldn't take ME? My dad did it. My dad was able to join my mother in six months, but not me...I couldn't understand and I was so ready to go.
Then months later I remembered how hard it was for me when I lost my mom. How could I wish this upon my daughter? All she had left was me, and here I am wishing and praying to die. I had to stop. I had to stand back up and try to move forward.
It has taken almost five years, but, I am doing just that. Oh, let me be the first to tell you, it NEVER gets better, it just gets different.
People tend to say everything gets better with time, there's a reason for everything, God won't give you anything you can't handle...all things you should NEVER EVER EVER say to someone who is grieving.
Above all never say "you need to join the human race" at someone's dad's wake. Which was exactly what was said to me. A few weeks later, I got an e-mail from the same lady ( who also sent it to my husbands entire family) saying how selfish a person I was. This letter was cold and hurtful and mean.
How I should go into a nursing home and see someone that has to live without a limb and I needed to be thankful.
Holy Shit Lady! First of all I am one of the most selfless people ever! I did nothing but take care of my family. I took care of my parents and took unpaid days off to do so. My happiness was when I could make someone happy and this woman had the nerve to say such things. I would gladly give up a limb, I would give up all of my limbs to have my husband back. I already tried to have the doctors use my heart for him. I still think that they should have. He was such a better person than I could ever be.
So, be very careful of what you may say to a grieving person. Some day, it may just be you who is the one grieving and understanding the depths of someones pain. Be kind and patient, most people in that much pain and despair are also in shock. They are unaware of anything except the pain and emptiness that is consuming them.
There is no time table for grieving. It can even last a life time.Try to have more compassion and remember that what the grievers need mostly from you is not any words of advise, its usually just a touch, a hug so that they know there is still hope.
God Bless You all and please share a bit of love today. You never know how desperately someone needs a little kindness shown to them.