New Hampshire...Live Free or Die.

When my darling husband Gilly was alive, we lived on a very busy street. It was the main road with lines of traffic all day and night in front of our friendly little cape. I loved that little house. I lost it along with nearly everything else in my life at the time. Although I truly love the house that I rent now, it still hurts me when I drive by the house that held our memories in the floor boards and the paint and all the fixtures. I also know that houses aren't alive per say, but, that one was alive with love!
Looking back now, I know that I just couldn't heal living there. Everything reminded me of my shattered heart. I just didn't understand it at the time. I used to scream at God "Haven't we lost enough?" I felt as if everything was taken from my daughter and me, all the things that we loved ...gone! My family was still grieving from the loss of my parents that they couldn't help me with my pain. Most of my husbands family turned their backs on me which in turn made them also shut out my daughter. They said I was selfish. SELFISH??? I owned nothing. My life belonged to my husband. I loved him with every ounce of my being, I still call his cell to hear his voice.
I lost my best friend too. We had been best friends from the day I moved to NH in 1972. We had shared everything. We were inseparable. When we were in high school, I made her date my husband's brother because he was my boyfriend's bestie. The four of us did everything together except my boyfriend and I broke up and they stayed together. We were like sisters. My mom even made clothes for the three of us so we could dress alike. So, I thought it was really great when I married my husband, because now we truly were sisters.
Even as adults, we shared everything! We gained weight together, dieted together, crafted together...well you get the picture. She would tell me how our in laws left her out of things when they invited everyone else. Little shopping trips every year, Christmas card writing parties, cookie swapping, oh well, you get the picture. So, we had a kinship since I wasn't invited either.
After my husband died, things changed. The money that was collected to help bury my husband never got to me. But, I have never seen the bill either. I had no say in anything. The prayer cards, the casket, the plot. Oh, no wait, I did have say in who was to say the service. My darling friend Randy. Randy who also performed our wedding ceremony. Ironic.
I voiced my concerns to my best friend, thinking that she could help shed some light to me. I was lost and in so much pain, I truly don't remember much about the months after my heart shattered. But, she decided to tell the family things that I had said, I'm sure they were also embellished. Five days after we buried my husband and the family never had to deal with me again, my dad died. I couldn't cry for him. He was finally happy again, joining my mom. She, my best ex friend didn't even come to my dad's wake or funeral. She got what she wanted and thought she needed; Acceptance into the family. I guess I don't blame her. I know how she wanted to be a part of them. I still miss her though.
I have my sister in law Claire and her family that still loves us. A couple of my husbands nieces and nephews too that keep in contact with us and still love us. I am grateful for them.
Looking back, I see what probably made them angry with me, I just couldn't leave my husband's body. At the family wake, I couldn't leave him. I had to touch him constantly. Someday, they may understand how hard it is to lose your spouse. It is so much different than losing your parents. You have to learn how to live all over again. Losing your child has to be the worst however. I can't begin to imagine the pain nor would I want to. God bless those parents.

It's strange how the posts that I write turn out so differently than what I had planned in my mind to write. That is why I have this site, not for pity. I don't want nor do I need that.
I guess it's understanding that I want. Understanding how, in the throws of feeling so alone, a flower can still bloom and spread it's leaves to reach the warmth of the sun. I am that flower!

Schmoozing along

 We have more snow now than we have had all winter in Maine. As much as I hate to shovel, I have to admit, it is breathtakingly beautiful here in our new spot in the woods! It is so serene here, I know that we were meant to be here. I thank God every day for this beautiful place.
I have healed more here in the few months living here, than I did the past four years. I feel my husband so strongly here. This would have been his dream home. That man loved the woods!
When my husband was alive, we would take our dogs and walk in the woods of Maine and New Hampshire. There are so many beautiful trails.
He taught me so much, and I miss him so desperately. But, I know, when my time is done, he will be there to get me. I used to wish that it would be immediately. I didn't know how i could ever survive without him.
Oh, some days are very tough to do so, and other days, I know that there are adventures for me to have, so, that when we are rejoined, we can swap all kinds of stories.
  I was so angry at God for making the mistake of taking my husband, that when my dad was leaving us to rejoin my beautiful sweet mom, I told him that when he gets to Heaven, to please tell God that he was wrong and I have a lot to say when I get there.
  Now, the funny thing is, I was only angry with God; not Jesus. Oh, I thought that by being angry only at God, I was teaching Him a lesson for making a mistake. So, I would continue to talk to Jesus and pray, but, only to Jesus, because, He was my bro. He knew what I was feeling and He understood my rebelling.
   How could God take away everything from me in less than a year, how could He do that to my daughter? She was only 22 and had more pain in that one year of sadness than I had in my entire life!
  But, unlike me that crumbled, Leah, who has so much of her dad in her, threw her shoulders back and stood up straight and carried the weight so silently.
  Leah finally asked me to go seek some help, I wasn't moving forward and it had been over a year. She told me that not only had she lost both of her grandparents, and father, she also lost her mother.  She was right. I was lost, I truly didn't think that I would ever be able to find my way out of the darkness. Thank God for her love and strength. She is an amazing woman! I have been Blessed.
 I'm not sure when I stopped being angry at God. I am aware that anger is just one of the steps in grieving,  but, slowly it left, the anger that I had for God, but I actually realized it during the funeral for Whitney Houston.
  There is just something about a Black Southern Baptist Church. They love God and are not ashamed. They feel the Spirit and stand and clap and shout AMEN! You truly experience God's love for you in those churches. The music is so full of joy and life that you can't help but feel it.
  When we were growing up, my dad was in the service and one of the places we lived was Florida. Florida in the 60's. It's bad enough that we were Catholic and had friends that weren't just white...we were raised that all people are equal. You need to never pay attention to the outside, to skin color, to deformities, you need to see what's on the inside. Our neighbors loved my parents, but, would give their opinions to my folks about what they felt about our thinking. But, my dad would always come out the winner in a gentle way.
  I was lucky enough to be able to go with my friend to her church in Florida. I had to go to my church with my family but, on Wednesday nights my mom would let me go with my friend to her church. I loved everything about it. The big hats, the white gloves, the AMENS. No one cared that I was white, we were all there for the same reason, worship. I miss that church! I miss the feeling that you have from being touched by the love in that church.
  I have gone to a couple of Southern Baptist Churches up here, but, they just aren't even close to being the same. So, I will pray that we get a few up this way. I think everyone should experience the love from there.

We all have lessons and trials that we must go through, and we all want the people and pets we love to live forever.  What I realize is that even though I had turned my back on God, He continued to love me. He didn't turn his back on me.
  Normally, I am not one to force religion down your throat, but, I KNOW that I have been blessed all my life! I was raised by two fun loving parents, and have my four wonderful brothers and two fantastical sisters; not to mention their spouses and all the children.  I am so thankful for my family.

 Family is so very important.