Monday, April 30, 2012

New Hampshire...Live Free or Die.

When my darling husband Gilly was alive, we lived on a very busy street. It was the main road with lines of traffic all day and night in front of our friendly little cape. I loved that little house. I lost it along with nearly everything else in my life at the time. Although I truly love the house that I rent now, it still hurts me when I drive by the house that held our memories in the floor boards and the paint and all the fixtures. I also know that houses aren't alive per say, but, that one was alive with love!
Looking back now, I know that I just couldn't heal living there. Everything reminded me of my shattered heart. I just didn't understand it at the time. I used to scream at God "Haven't we lost enough?" I felt as if everything was taken from my daughter and me, all the things that we loved ...gone! My family was still grieving from the loss of my parents that they couldn't help me with my pain. Most of my husbands family turned their backs on me which in turn made them also shut out my daughter. They said I was selfish. SELFISH??? I owned nothing. My life belonged to my husband. I loved him with every ounce of my being, I still call his cell to hear his voice.
I lost my best friend too. We had been best friends from the day I moved to NH in 1972. We had shared everything. We were inseparable. When we were in high school, I made her date my husband's brother because he was my boyfriend's bestie. The four of us did everything together except my boyfriend and I broke up and they stayed together. We were like sisters. My mom even made clothes for the three of us so we could dress alike. So, I thought it was really great when I married my husband, because now we truly were sisters.
Even as adults, we shared everything! We gained weight together, dieted together, crafted together...well you get the picture. She would tell me how our in laws left her out of things when they invited everyone else. Little shopping trips every year, Christmas card writing parties, cookie swapping, oh well, you get the picture. So, we had a kinship since I wasn't invited either.
After my husband died, things changed. The money that was collected to help bury my husband never got to me. But, I have never seen the bill either. I had no say in anything. The prayer cards, the casket, the plot. Oh, no wait, I did have say in who was to say the service. My darling friend Randy. Randy who also performed our wedding ceremony. Ironic.
I voiced my concerns to my best friend, thinking that she could help shed some light to me. I was lost and in so much pain, I truly don't remember much about the months after my heart shattered. But, she decided to tell the family things that I had said, I'm sure they were also embellished. Five days after we buried my husband and the family never had to deal with me again, my dad died. I couldn't cry for him. He was finally happy again, joining my mom. She, my best ex friend didn't even come to my dad's wake or funeral. She got what she wanted and thought she needed; Acceptance into the family. I guess I don't blame her. I know how she wanted to be a part of them. I still miss her though.
I have my sister in law Claire and her family that still loves us. A couple of my husbands nieces and nephews too that keep in contact with us and still love us. I am grateful for them.
Looking back, I see what probably made them angry with me, I just couldn't leave my husband's body. At the family wake, I couldn't leave him. I had to touch him constantly. Someday, they may understand how hard it is to lose your spouse. It is so much different than losing your parents. You have to learn how to live all over again. Losing your child has to be the worst however. I can't begin to imagine the pain nor would I want to. God bless those parents.

It's strange how the posts that I write turn out so differently than what I had planned in my mind to write. That is why I have this site, not for pity. I don't want nor do I need that.
I guess it's understanding that I want. Understanding how, in the throws of feeling so alone, a flower can still bloom and spread it's leaves to reach the warmth of the sun. I am that flower!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Oh how I wish!

First let me start off with the Losing With Betsy part of the blog. My sister Chrissy, has now lost 21.2 pounds! Yay Chrissy!! that is so awesome! Leah is down .9 this week and I am down 1 pound this week bringing my total to -15.8.

I wish so much that I could mend all the broken hearts out there, the loneliness, and the sadness that goes with it. It is a pain that I wish no one had to endure. I know I am one of the lucky ones. I had such a wonderful marriage, we truly were best friends.
My best friend came to visit me while I slept last night. Most of the time, he doesn't speak to me. But, I always feel his love for me. The most difficult thing is when I wake up and realize, it was just a dream and no matter how beautiful it was, I ache so much when I wake up. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. It's almost as if I can actually feel the breaks running through my heart growing larger.

It seems as if the day outside feels my pain. The birds aren't singing so sweetly and the day is dark and drizzly. The dogs are curled up together on my bed looking up at me every once in awhile to see if I am still in the room.

Normally, this would have been the time when I would try to lose myself in food, but, I know it isn't really an empty stomach I am feeling, it is a lonely heart. I don't know how to feed that.

I am very empathetic, so, I feel your pain as well as my own and trust me, I really wish I could fix everyone that hurts. So many people lost their spouses, children, parents, friends, pets, jobs,etc... If there was just a way to fix it all, oh how I would. When I went to counselling to try and deal with my husband's death and feeling that everyone abandoned me, I was told that I couldn't carry my own sadness to stop trying to carry every one else's too.
I stopped going to her. Obviously group therapy was a big mistake since, I held on to all the sadness in the room. So, I am on my own with all of you that follow my blog. Sometimes, it will be a sad post since it helps me to get it out.

While my husband was in the hospital, waiting for a new heart, which I was certain that he would get, I wrote everything down. I refused to have anything negative near him. I couldn't bear the thought that it would reach him and he wouldn't make it through the wait. I refused to let the nurses give details to anyone that called in fear that they would have thoughts that he wasn't going to pull through.
Being empathetic is very difficult when you have a loved one needing a transplant. I used to speak with the nurses about it because, I was praying so hard for a heart to come, but, that would mean that I was praying for someone else to suffer the loss of someone that they loved. How selfish of me. But, yet I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had no doubts what so ever that my husband would survive. The doctors couldn't believe that he was still fighting some nights, but, I would go in his room and his breathing would calm and his blood pressure would regulate. The nurses and the doctors kept telling me that I was the best medicine for him.
I used to sit and hold his hands all day. I would lay my head in his lap and sleep. I would kiss his hands because I was too short to reach his lips, and then they woke him out of the induced coma. He would pucker up his lips to kiss me every time he looked at me. A male nurse there told me that he didn't know me. that the medication gave them amnesia. That broke my heart! Even today nearly five years has passed and due to my PTSD, I relive it all over and over. I KNOW that he KNEW ME!! When I asked another nurse, she was so angry at the male nurse,and told me to just look at his numbers when I am with him! Of course he knew me!
I honestly don't know if I have truly accepted that he is gone. I feel him so strongly. I swear sometimes, if I could just focus my eyes differently, maybe, just maybe I could catch a glimpse of him. His smile and those huge dimples and his beautiful blue eyes. I miss his scent, I miss everything about him except for the cigarettes. Sometimes I still wonder, why the doctors just wouldn't take my heart for him, he would have done so much better with it I think. He was a great man and I was so lucky that he picked me to be his!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Is it that I trust everyone or ...

Hmmm. Today I am pondering, is it that I trust everyone to be honest, or is it that I am too gullible for my own good? Oh, I will admit, I am extremely gullible. I believed my brother in law when he told me I needed to change the summer air out of my tires with the winter air so that the tires would grip the road better. Okay, I believed that the winter air was heavier and that it was possible. I was young. My husbands family, husband included, are a bunch of practical jokers. I, fell for their stories every time. I am not proud of it, but, it sure made playing pranks on me pretty darn easy!
My friend Norman, remember him, he was the one that I fell so in love with...well, he had joined the Air Force and became a Fire Fighter...(he is the Chief now!) He used to call me every week and we would chat for hours, of course, he also is a prankster and one night while we were talking, he said the sky was such a beautiful color down in 'bama that the moon looked green! Wow! Green!! He told me to go check and see if it was green in NH too, so, I put the phone down and ran outside to look, he was laughing so hard when I got back to the phone, I really thought that maybe the clouds or something made it look that way...ya, well. My sister still laughs about the green moon!
Earlier this week I met a man for coffee that I met online on okcupid. He had coffee, I had diet coke. I thought since I was totally honest on the site so was every one else. Let me go into further detail. We met at McDonalds and as soon as he got out of the car he tried to kiss me, I turned my head,he tried again, I turned it the other way. Ewww. Then he told me that I had a serious problem with diet coke and that if I wanted to be with him I had to give it up. Why didn't I just jump back in the car and peel out of the lot??? Nope, not me...I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He had said he was 5'11 with a good body now that he had lost 44 pounds. WOW that is awesome! 44 pounds! Good for him. I had told him I lost almost 15 and that I was doing weight watchers. He is maybe 5'6 and 280 pounds. Strike one. Liar.
He ordered a coffee with extra creams and I ordered a diet coke. He looked at me and very loudly said "what? are you shitting me?" I will have a diet coke please. It has 0 calories compared to how many in your extra creamed coffee?
He then went over to the condiments and pocketed a couple handfuls of Equal. Great, a bully and a klepto! Let's just add that to the liar and let's see...Oh yay! If I do my math right, that would be 3 for 3. Oooooo aren't I the lucky girl! He told me not to give up hope that I could still have him, maybe, but, he said he saw that I put NO SMOKERS. No exception!
He told me that he could quit anytime, but,I should smoke with him. Okay moron! I said um, nooo I will not! He told me it was the best weed around! EXCUSE ME??? Weed? Lord Jesus save me from this whack job! He also told me that he knew all about me. I said okay, give it a shot. Told me that I wasn't working because my husband got killed in Iraq and I was really rich from that. At this point he kept trying to hold my hands, I kept pulling them away. He told me that it has been a long time since someone has treated me nicely and he was going to do just that and we are going out on a date on saturday...Oh darn, I said...Look at the time, I have to go. I have an interview.(I did, no lie there)Oh, and as for saturday, I am busy. Sorry. Again with the trying to kiss me. Ugh! BOB! NO means NO! He gave me his email and told me to write him. Sure thing I say as he drives away and I look for the nearest trash can!
I came home and got ready for my "online" interview. I was sent an email stating that they were very impressed with my resume and that they were forwarding it up to the CEO to schedule an online interview with me. Mr Cloys Feldman. Told me to get yahoo messenger and add him to the friends list to do my interview. He sent me the details of the Wait, this is a work from home job? CF Yes yes it is. Me: How do I verify it is a legitimate job? CF How do you want to. Blah blah blah, typical questions that would be asked. Then he made a mistake, send me your complete name and address and meet me online tomorrow at 9 am.

So, I started thinking, if he had my resume in front of him,it has all that information on it. Damn! It was for 20 an hour! This time, I had a funny hunch...scam!

Needless to say, I did not meet Mr Cloys Feldman at 9am this morning and I have removed myself from the dating sites.

My words of advise, even if your as gullible as I am, always re-think if it sounds plausible, check as many resources as possible. I went to google and this site is on the web, however, the links doesn't work. Please be careful out there. I NEED all the schmoozers I can get and would't want any of you to get hurt!!

Friday, April 13, 2012

I am back and ready to Schmooze

I was gone for a little bit, got hit with some sort of bug and it wasn't that I felt really awful or anything, just a slight sore throat and my ear hurt, but, I just couldn't get any motivation! So, needless to say, I have to start my INSANITY workout all over since I didn't continue it while I was blahhhh.

Okay, so first off, let me say that I lost more this week,(only lost .2 last week! .2???Geeze)This week, I lost 1.6! (I'm jumping up and down and trying to type) that brings my total to -14.8. It is slowly coming off, but, it is coming off the correct way with a new attitude towards food and not using it for comfort any longer. I exercise instead.
Leah stayed the same this week, but, is still going strong.
My sister Chrissy has now lost a total of 16.2! Incredible!! Any one else out there want to hop on the losing with Betsy wagon??? Plenty of room! And don't forget to join my page here at on the right side of the page and sign up for my free give away of the stainless steel measuring spoons from weight watchers that come in 1/4 cup ladle, 1/2 and 1 whole!! They are amazing!

I did something really gutsy...okay, for me it was really gutsy. I joined an online dating site. Yup. I know, big step, right? After all, I have all this wit and charm just going to waste, I may as well try and share it with someone else, or at least force it upon them. Here is the funny thing. Funny as in sad, not funny as in let's say...funny. I get some men looking, and I have not lied, I said that I am overweight, but, working diligently on losing it; but, even men my age, want a person for looks. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are men who can see the potential/appeal in women of the short round stature. The heart that lies beneath the blubber extra padding. For anyone that truly knows me, I have a very loving and compassionate heart. And damn it, I have great inner beauty! I actually like the woman that I grew into. Last night as I was perusing the site, I came across a man that was a 99% match to me. 99%! That is pretty great! He lives near Boston and I loved his profile. It is very entertaining and, I should have guessed, he is a writer! Of course he is. I love writers!! I wasn't surprised to see the 99% matching after I read the questions that we both answered. I have to admit, I am a window shopper, sideline snooper, or however you see fit to name me and people like me. I look at the profiles and wonder. I don't contact anyone! Oh God, NO WAY! Well, no way until last evening. I actually sent a message to this man, in which I told him, I really enjoyed his wit and charm. We shall see if he answers me. I did ask him (since he is a published writer) if he was on the site just to do research for a new book. God, I sure hope I worded that nicely so that it didn't sound bitchy. When I read that, it did sound a little bitchy. In no way did I mean it to be.

I want to add a serious note to this blog. I have always thought of NH and Maine as very safe states in which to live. We had rift in that safe feeling last evening. Five police officers went to a house in Greenland, NH with a search warrant early last evening. I suppose that there wasn't an answer when they knocked on the door, so, they peered into the window. The person in the house decided to start firing his automatic weapon at the officers.

Injured in the shootings were Detective Gregory Turner of the Dover police, 32, a six-year-veteran who was treated and released from the Portsmouth Regional Hospital for a gunshot wound to the shoulder; Officer Eric Kulberg, 31, a seven-year veteran of the University of New Hampshire police, who was treated and released for a single gunshot wound to the arm; Officer Scott Kukesh, 33, a 10-year veteran of the Newmarket police, who went into surgery with a gunshot wound to his chest; and Officer Jeremiah Murphy, 34, a seven-year veteran of the Rochester police who was in intensive care after surgery.
And the saddest news of all is the Police Chief of Greenland, Michael Maloney, 48, who was one week from his retirement was shot and killed. The man who killed this small town’s police chief and wounded four other officers was found dead inside his home early today, along with a woman who was inside the building when the officers were met by a barrage of gunfire as they tried to execute a drug warrant.
My heart goes out to the Chief's family. I wish that there were something more that I could do. Such overwhelming sadness in the small community of Greenland and the surrounding areas.

Rest in Peace Chief!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I am insane!!

Okay, holy God almighty! The Insanity work out is just THAT. The first day is the FIT Test. You write down how many you do of each of the exercises on that to see your improvement every two weeks.  I have to give tons of credit for those that can do this work out! There were a couple that I couldn't do the right way. 1 was to get down on the floor, (I can do that just fine, I was praying I could get back up); get into a push up position but, have your forearms on the floor and hold your hands together,(so, right here, hands together, you are already praying) Now, bring your knee up to your elbow. 1 leg than the other. I was  lucky to get into that position, never mind moving. I could not do it. I tried and tried, but I ended up not in a push-up position, but, in a plank.  I was a moving plank however. It wasn't pretty by any means! I kept doing the exercise and hopefully in 60 days, I can do at least 1 set correctly. For now, I am feeling okay for what I did. I am not fit, let me repeat. I AM NOT FIT!! But, I am DETERMINED!
If you have never heard of the Insanity work out, look it up on youtube, I am sure that there are a ton of the videos on there. I however will NOT film myself struggling through these 60 days! I am a short round woman and watching me work out is not a pretty site. I even put the dogs outside so I don't ruin them!
Actually, they think if I am on the floor it is now time to pounce. Hmmm, maybe I can work them into my work out routine.
I also have a hip-hop abs that a friend gave to me that looks so much easier, so, I think I will do that at night. There isn't any rolling on the floor for that. I also have a couple of belly dancing videos, they are definitely more my style! I can do those. Of course, it's a good thing that I live in the woods with no neighbors in sight so they don't have a stroke. Okay, I'm kidding, but, they would need some mental help after they GOUGED their eyes out! LOL.
 I will get my body back in shape and I will TRY to enjoy the trip there. I just wish my niece Brooke had picked out something like one of "Sweating to the Oldies" or learn the Hustle, those I KNOW I can do! LOL. But, I am with her. A few States away and way way way out of shape. I just love her dearly and am trying to give her some sort of support while my nephew is in Afghanistan. So, Brooke sweetie, I can't do much, but, I am sweating out Richie's time away with you. I know its not the same, but, hopefully you can feel my love and moral support through the cyber world!!
Stay strong and God Bless all the Service men and women and families, past, present and future.

Monday Schmooze

Where did the week end go? I was so busy that I never even wrote to let every one know our "losing with Betsy" results. So, to start things off, I was a loser yet again this week. I lost 1.2 this week. That brings my total to 13.2!! Leah got over her slump and lost 4.2!!!  That puts her at a 15.2 pound loss total! Waaaahoo!
With that said, I am going to add my sister Chrissy to this list of "Losing With Betsy"  She has joined another weight loss program and she has now lost 10 pounds!!! YAY Chrissy!!!!
I have to say with this new determination running rampant through my blood stream, I am also getting stronger in other areas of my life. I have started going out!!! Okay, keep calm. LOL. I haven't had any 'dates', but, I have met up with a couple of friends and a couple of us even went bowling! Thank you Josh and Danielle!! What a fun day we had. We all used to work together and it was so wonderful to see each other and have such a wonderful day together. Plus, my bonus was that I got to see my darling friend Mark that just happens to own the bowling alley! love you, Mark!!!
We bowled the ten pins ( if anyone from outside of New England reads my blog, we have 2 types of bowling up here, Candle Pin and Ten Pin), we ended up bowling 3 strings because Josh beat us on the 1st, then Danielle took the 2nd, so they decided we should bowl a tie breaker. I took the third string! HA! Little did they figure that I would do that!! LOL. What a fun way to get exercise in!! Next time we need to have Lee join us! (right Lee?!)

I also just got "Insanity" workout since my niece in-law Brooke is doing it while my nephew Richie is in Afghanistan (again). I wanted to try and do it with her to give her some physical support through this cyber world. God Bless all of our service people and the families that they have to be separated from.
More than I even love firemen, and policemen, I love the military men! They are just born heroes in my heart.  I have great respect for both the men and women that put their lives in danger to keep us safe.
I have never met Brooke in person, or my niece in law Carolyn either, the difficulties of living so far apart. But, I love them dearly!! And, we will meet someday; right girls??? <3

I had to go for my eye test today to see how my contacts are working out. I had to stop wearing them for awhile because my tears were ruining them. Here, I am going to give a plug my favorite eye dr of all time. Her name is Dr. Lauren Gump and she is beyond wonderful! Let me know if you would like to have her office number. I was lucky enough to run into some wonderful friends afterward today.
Margaret Ann, Diane, Darlene, Shelly, Judy, Russ, and Amanda. My darlings Margaret Ann, Amanda and I, all used to work in a dead bolted office together. I love them and miss working with them!!
Amanda is the girl in the video that you can find on my blog.

Wow, this post is all over the place.  I guess I must have missed talking with all of you too.  ;-)

I was playing around making chocolate mini muffins that are 1.5 points each and are sooo yummy. I now have added  mocha mini muffins for 1.5 points each and also some pumpkin spice muffins that are only 1 point each!!
Time to start a bakery I think and have all the point values listed.
I just love to bake and if I could do that every day all day long, I would be sooo happy.