Monday, July 27, 2015

Human Touch

I love my church. I love the the way I feel in there. So for a little background in Eliot Baptist Church (affectionately known as EBC) I sit about the 3rd row, far left. I can see the Pastors from that angle and don't see anyone behind me. 
 Since my husband passed I have lost my self confidence. I don't know how or why, it's just gone. I basically feel unlovable or that I have nothing to say that anyone would want to hear, or perhaps it's just my fear of getting attached and feeling the agony of deep loss since I suffer from separation anxiety and PTSD.
 I have become pretty secluded and don't venture out very much, unless with my daughter. 
But, when it comes to church, I'm happy to just hide in my seat and be 1 with God. 
As soon as service is over however, I tuck my head down and book it out of the door. Why you ask? Well because, someone may try and speak to me and ask me my story that seems to center around 2007. I guess it shouldn't be what defines me, but, it truly tends to. 
Today the entire church was awesomely decorated for summer Bible school's Mount Everest theme.
 When I entered the church I was greeted by Pastor Stan and his beautiful wife. 
 I shook hands with the gentle man handing out bulletins (whom I always gravitate to;he has such a kind face and his hand shake feels like a hug) 
Entering the sanctuary, Pastor Yves was getting ready to sit but caught my eye and smiled and waved.
My favorite band played today and the music was exceptionally enjoyable.
 Pastor Nathan said a sermon that was thought provoking and fun, as always.
  When service was over I gathered up my belongings and did the beeline to the exit. 
 That's when I saw Pastor Joel deep in conversation with someone but he stopped waved with a glowing smile and said"hey Betsy, how you doing, girl?" 
Wow, that was sweet! He stopped a conversation to say hi... To ME.
  Then I hear "Hey,you! I've been waiting for you..." It was Nathan. 
I said hi as he hugged me. ME. 
 I got outside and into my car and started uncontrollably crying. Down right sobbing. 
 I texted my friend Lori and told her that I had made it to church this week and that the sermon was wonderful but as I was leaving Nathan hugged me and that I was trying to gain control of myself before driving home. 
 I can't begin to explain how important that hug was. I have always been a hugger and toucher. I have always been a believer that everyone deserves a hug. 
 Why is it then that I feel unworthy of such contact? 
 My husband and I hugged all the time. Tight hugs that let you know you were being hugged. 
 We held hands and touched whenever we could, getting up to go to the kitchen, a hand sliding across the shoulders, his hand on the back of my neck when we did dishes. Cuddling up in bed and in the summer still making sure our feet touched. 
  That hug from Nathan today was so much more than just a hug to me. It had power in it. A loving and healing power that not only let me feel loved but also let me feel welcome.
 Please, go out today and let someone feel your touch, whether it's a pat on the back, a warm touch on the arm or a loving never know just how much that contact can mean. 

 “They begged him to let the sick touch at least the fringe of his robe, and all who touched him were healed.”
Matthew 14:36 NLT

Saturday, May 4, 2013

If the world flops you upside down...

If the world flops you upside down, walk on the ceiling!!
We are faced with many obstacles in life. My goal is to find a way to overcome and move past any obstacles that are weighing me down.
Sometimes the road is really tough and so dark. Those are the times that you feel so alone. Don't give up!! Hang on with every last fiber of your being, set one foot in front of the other, hold your head up high, say a prayer and move forward.
It might seem impossible to lift up your feet on some of the paths, but, shuffle along and you will make it through!
I personally, have had a very difficult path to trudge, but, I am making it. It's been slow and sometimes I have lost my balance and fallen. I have even rolled down hill sometimes. The important thing is to stand back up.
In one year, my daughter and I lost nearly everything. It started with my job being dissolved, my friend passing away, my daughter's dorm fire, my dog passing away, my mom passing away, my daughters roommate's dad passing away, my brother in law having a heart attack, my sister in law having her heart miss firing, my husband's best friend passing away, my husband having a heart attack and needing a heart transplant on our wedding anniversary, my dad being hospitalized the same day, the loss of our restaurant, my darling husband passing away and ten days later, my dad passing away. You think that was enough, my house was robbed by someone I thought I could trust. Most of my husband's family shunned me and one even tried to turn my own daughter against me!
What did I do? I crawled inside myself and turned to food to try to find comfort. Comfort from the pain and loneliness. Comfort from the feeling of abandonment and thoughts that I must have done something really really awful in my life to be punished so badly.
I couldn't find anything to ease this pain. I was broken and shattered and felt all alone.
A person I thought was a family friend walked up to me at my dad's funeral and told me that I needed to join the human race! Not I'm sorry for your loss, but critiquing me on how I was grieving. Then to top it off, she sent me an email which she copied to my all my in laws saying how selfish a person I am and that I only think of myself!
I should go visit someone that was missing an arm or leg and see how they feel.
I could have stuck up for myself, I could have been just as heartless and written something back to her, to all of them. But instead, I told her that I would pray for her.
Visit someone that is missing a limb? I was missing my heart. I had begged the doctors to please use my heart, I knew it would be no good without my husband.
I would have gladly given up my arms and my legs to have my husband and parents back, to give my daughter her innocence and laughter back.
And so, I ate. I ate to fill the emptiness. I ate to try and find pleasure. I ate because I was in despair. I would get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not know who it was and yet, I seemed to not be able to stop. I had lost control of everything in my life.
My nieces Anji and Tiffany suggested that I start blogging. It's a place to write down how you feel and maybe win some great giveaways.
That is how I began to find myself again! My niece, Tiffany from bookcover justice introduced me to Meredith Bandy.
Meredith is the PR Manager for NUTRISYTEM. She has so much compassion for people, she is like a breath of fresh air for me!
Through the grace of God, she hooked me up with Nutrisystem and a chance to not only find myself again, but, also to maybe be able to help others along the way with my blog!
I am so happy with the results so far! -25 pounds in 4 months, without really even trying! No stress of deciding what to eat or how to figure out the calories. It is all done for us!
I have learned portion control and now drink water more than any other beverage. I do however still love a diet coke now and then, but, it used to be the only thing I would drink.

I really love the food! It's very difficult to pick out a favorite when there are chocolate muffins, cinnamon rolls, biscuits and gravy, pizza, IceCream, cookies, chef specialties and so much more!!
The best thing from all of this; I like myself again! I took such great care of my folks and my husband!! I have NOTHING to be ashamed of!
It's time to take care of me! I am stronger than I ever thought and yet I am compassionate. I am tough but so soft hearted. I am kind and gentle and if all that is selfish; then so be it!
This is going to be a great year! I just know it! I live in a great little spot in the woods, I have the love of my family and friends. I have my beautiful daughter whom I'm so proud of. I am gaining control and becoming confident again.
I even have started a new friendship with a man. We were (almost) introduced by a mutual friend, but, that's another story of its own. :-)
It is never too late to get control of your life!! Do yourself a favor and please join Nutrisytem with me. I will help you along this pathway and if you stumble, I'll be here to catch you and if you fall, I will pick you up!
Here's to a great year and a healthier us!!

You can connect with Nutrisytem in many different ways!

1. Nutrisystem Facebook:

2. @Nutrisystem Twitter:

3. Nutrisystem You Tube:

4. Nutrisystem Pinterest:

5. Nutrisystem Google+:

Disclosure: I am recieving free Nutrisystem products and services (yay!!) in exchange for my participation and honest review of the program!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

ecoATM. Get $$ for Old cell phones!

Not only can you do your part in helping the environment, but, you can also get paid for doing so!
There is a fast growing company called ecoATM that is sweeping its way across this country.
What started in San Diego California is quickly spreading across the states and making huge strides into the north eastern states.

What is this wonderment you ask? To put it simply, it is an ATM kiosk that collects your unwanted cell phones and MP3 players.

The consumer not only has a place to drop off their unwanted cell phones and MP3 players instead of throwing them into a trash or becoming electronic hoarders, but, they can help save the environment and put a bit of jingle jingle in their pockets!

In turn the company can have these phones refurbished and recycled. With such a growing need for cell phones, this becomes a winning situation for everyone involved.

How does this little kiosk work???

The ecoATM is an automated, self-serve kiosk that evaluates and buys back electronics directly from consumers for cash whether they are working or not! The process only takes a few minutes to complete and is easy as 1, 2, 3, 4

1: Place your mobile device in the ecoATM test station. (Don't be afraid, it won't bite!)

2: The ecoATM will examine your device and search for the highest price it can find in the worldwide market.(isn't that just the cutest ATM ever!)

3: If you like the price and decide to sell it, you will receive cash on the spot! There's no waiting for a check in the mail!!

4: You walk away with a smile on your face and jingles in your pocket.

For more information on this great invention, please visit their site at
You can also follow ecoAtm on Facebook and twitter! Let's help get the word out there!!!

*disclosure: I received no compensation for this article. The opinion above is strictly my own, although I do believe that you too will agree!!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

And Sometimes..,

There are times in every ones life when it feels as if the sun has left you and that you fell into an endless pit of despair and sorrow.

And sometimes... there is a light at the end of the tunnel ( no its not hell fire ). Trust in it!! You need to keep running towards it.

And sometimes... You just haven't the strength any longer to even stand! Crawl, crawl towards the light. Just get there!

And sometimes... Along this path you will lose footing and friends and family. If they can't help you, crawl over them. You can make it.

And sometimes... It can take years to get there. Time is not important. Your well being is!

And sometimes... Out of the blue comes someone. Someone very special, who is kind and gentle and understanding.

And sometimes... They become friends and confidantes. You start to feel safe and happy.

And sometimes... You can barely wait to see them. To feel their arms around you. To see the warmth of their smile.

And sometimes... It can happen to you when you least expect it.

And sometimes... Is happening to me!!!

Friday, January 18, 2013

You've ...Got Text ...

We live in such a high tech world that some people feel we are losing touch with each other.
I have found it to be the opposite for me. I am able to connect with my family and friends that are scattered across the world as if we are all neighbors.
I could even sit and have a cup of coffee with my sister in Kansas and my sister in New Hampshire on Skype.
I can see my nieces and nephews grow, fall in love and even have their own babies. I also see what all my brothers have going on in their lives and share it with my friends.
So to me, I enjoy this type of communication. I hear their voices in my heart as I read what they've posted.
It was the only way I could stay connected to the world while my husband was in the hospital. After he passed, I could no longer talk on the phone. It was way too difficult to try and hide the sadness in my voice, or find words to express the shattered being that I had become.
So, I took to writing my feelings instead. I learned to hate the phone, I couldn't bear to hear the disappointment any one had in me.
I lost my job last January, so, slowly I became a hermit living in the woods of Maine.
I love the beauty and the serenity of this wooded 2 acre lot that I rent. Here, I was able to finally lick my wounds and heal.
I have been on a journey of trying to find myself again. I've been lost for so long.
Slowly, I am finding myself again and remembering that I like me.
I love the different seasons here in this spot in the woods. Watching the trees come alive in the spring and the way the leaves paint my surroundings with such breath taking colors, and when it snows, the beauty in the way it clings to the trees leaves you in awe.
The glitch in this perfect little picture...not working and having run out of unemployment earnings.
So, when it snows a lot and it is wet and heavy, I am left snowbound. I just can't shovel that much snow.
That is when I used my connection to the outside world and posted for help on my Facebook page. My darling nephew was going to pay to have someone come plow the 1/2 mile driveway. A friend from West Virginia called her friend up here. As a favor to her, he was on his way over to rescue me, the snowbound maiden, when his plow broke down.
That's when the story starts to turn. He (Jim) sent me a text to let me know that it will be another day just be patient he'll get me plowed out.
My landlady felt bad so she hired someone for the season.
Since that day, Jim and I have started texting. He is kind with a wonderful sense of humor and has made me start wanting. Wanting human contact again. Wanting human contact with ... Him.
Now comes the rushes of nervousness, shyness and self doubt that have slowly taken over my mind since the year of sadness.
Being a gentle gentleman, he hasn't asked me my age or body stats. I'm short and round and a few years older but I'm getting healthy again. In fact. Another 2 pounds off this week. yay!!!
I am really enjoying our texts and hoping that since he likes the beauty inside of me.
I am a great present for someone underneath the wrapping paper, you just have to be patient when opening.
For now we continue to text... But, I see snow in my future, guess I will have to ask Jim if he would be kind enough to plow my driveway.

Friday, January 4, 2013

I can move Mountains!

Never underestimate the inner strength you have!
Today is a good day, today I moved mountains! Okay, it was mountains of snow and I used a shovel, but I did it!
That's right, ME!
If I could move this mountain, just think what YOU can do!
There are many mountains that we face in our life time. Some mountains small and unthreatening, so all you need to do us hop right over it and be on your merry way.
Then, there are mountains that are so big and frightening, that you have to find a path around it. I have one of those very foreboding mountains smack dab in the center of my path! This mountain is connected to many many smaller ones.
I have a mountain of grief. Grief, can halt you and force you to lose ground on your path. It may be one of the most difficult mountains to maneuver. This is one you have to conquer on your own.
There is no time limit as to when you must make it over, it is different for everyone. I am sure that you will find others that will set you back. There are also others that God will thankfully send you, to help pick you back up and set you on your feet.
There are other mountains that you may face; quitting smoking, shyness, and weight gain, to name a few. There are tools to help you make it over these mountains.
I was faced with a big weight gain when during another mountain climb in my life. This caused many small mountains to pop up. Lack of self esteem, feelings of hopelessness, abandonment... The list goes on.
With the help of Nutrisystem, I am making my way over this mountain. There is no stress involved. There are foods that will satisfy anyone and lead you on a more healthy path.
The mountains of hopelessness and self esteem begin looking like hills and are much easier climb.
I ask that you join me on my mountain climb and we can help each other. Sometimes, you might stumble, but, I will help you stand back up and together with Nutrisystem, we will knock this mountain down!!

Here are some mountain climbing tools that will get you started and support you throughout this journey!

1. Nutrisystem Facebook:

2. @Nutrisystem Twitter:

3. Nutrisystem You Tube:

4. Nutrisystem Pinterest:

5. Nutrisystem Google+:

Disclosure: I am recieving free Nutrisystem products and services (yay!!) in exchange for my participation and honest review of the program!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

And the tears fall

The house is quiet and still. The only sound I hear is the gentle snoring of my beautiful guardians, Lily and Watson.
They don't like it when I cry and are usually all over me trying to make me stop. Tonight though, they are worn out from running in the snow and having left over turkey.

I thought of listening to some music, but, today, all the songs are just making me miss you more. I try to close my eyes to sleep but, I just play your memory over and over. Usually, thinking of you makes me smile, but, not tonight. No, tonight, my heart is hurting so badly for you!

I wonder how my heart still beats when I am so broken and empty inside. I want to heal and be whole again but how can I when you were always what completed me.

I relive the days over and over in my head trying so hard to change the outcome. I try to think of changing something so that I will wake from this nightmare and find you beside me.

What happened to the girl you loved so much? The one who's laugh filled a room and eyes twinkled as she teased others?
I feel unwanted and so very lost. I think that if I work, I may find myself again, but, I can't even find a job that wants me.

You were always an angel to me. I am confused to why you had to leave me to become an angel to all. I am selfish and want you back!

Who is going to hold me and tell me that I am beautiful even if I gained weight or cut my hair? Who is going to make me laugh when I burn the supper or trip up the stairs? Who is going to sing Beatle songs with me? Who is going to laugh so hard with me that we fall down exhausted!

And as the tears fall, who will be able to kiss them away!