Monday, April 30, 2012

New Hampshire...Live Free or Die.

When my darling husband Gilly was alive, we lived on a very busy street. It was the main road with lines of traffic all day and night in front of our friendly little cape. I loved that little house. I lost it along with nearly everything else in my life at the time. Although I truly love the house that I rent now, it still hurts me when I drive by the house that held our memories in the floor boards and the paint and all the fixtures. I also know that houses aren't alive per say, but, that one was alive with love!
Looking back now, I know that I just couldn't heal living there. Everything reminded me of my shattered heart. I just didn't understand it at the time. I used to scream at God "Haven't we lost enough?" I felt as if everything was taken from my daughter and me, all the things that we loved ...gone! My family was still grieving from the loss of my parents that they couldn't help me with my pain. Most of my husbands family turned their backs on me which in turn made them also shut out my daughter. They said I was selfish. SELFISH??? I owned nothing. My life belonged to my husband. I loved him with every ounce of my being, I still call his cell to hear his voice.
I lost my best friend too. We had been best friends from the day I moved to NH in 1972. We had shared everything. We were inseparable. When we were in high school, I made her date my husband's brother because he was my boyfriend's bestie. The four of us did everything together except my boyfriend and I broke up and they stayed together. We were like sisters. My mom even made clothes for the three of us so we could dress alike. So, I thought it was really great when I married my husband, because now we truly were sisters.
Even as adults, we shared everything! We gained weight together, dieted together, crafted together...well you get the picture. She would tell me how our in laws left her out of things when they invited everyone else. Little shopping trips every year, Christmas card writing parties, cookie swapping, oh well, you get the picture. So, we had a kinship since I wasn't invited either.
After my husband died, things changed. The money that was collected to help bury my husband never got to me. But, I have never seen the bill either. I had no say in anything. The prayer cards, the casket, the plot. Oh, no wait, I did have say in who was to say the service. My darling friend Randy. Randy who also performed our wedding ceremony. Ironic.
I voiced my concerns to my best friend, thinking that she could help shed some light to me. I was lost and in so much pain, I truly don't remember much about the months after my heart shattered. But, she decided to tell the family things that I had said, I'm sure they were also embellished. Five days after we buried my husband and the family never had to deal with me again, my dad died. I couldn't cry for him. He was finally happy again, joining my mom. She, my best ex friend didn't even come to my dad's wake or funeral. She got what she wanted and thought she needed; Acceptance into the family. I guess I don't blame her. I know how she wanted to be a part of them. I still miss her though.
I have my sister in law Claire and her family that still loves us. A couple of my husbands nieces and nephews too that keep in contact with us and still love us. I am grateful for them.
Looking back, I see what probably made them angry with me, I just couldn't leave my husband's body. At the family wake, I couldn't leave him. I had to touch him constantly. Someday, they may understand how hard it is to lose your spouse. It is so much different than losing your parents. You have to learn how to live all over again. Losing your child has to be the worst however. I can't begin to imagine the pain nor would I want to. God bless those parents.

It's strange how the posts that I write turn out so differently than what I had planned in my mind to write. That is why I have this site, not for pity. I don't want nor do I need that.
I guess it's understanding that I want. Understanding how, in the throws of feeling so alone, a flower can still bloom and spread it's leaves to reach the warmth of the sun. I am that flower!

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