Sunday, April 22, 2012
Oh how I wish!
First let me start off with the Losing With Betsy part of the blog. My sister Chrissy, has now lost 21.2 pounds! Yay Chrissy!! that is so awesome! Leah is down .9 this week and I am down 1 pound this week bringing my total to -15.8.
I wish so much that I could mend all the broken hearts out there, the loneliness, and the sadness that goes with it. It is a pain that I wish no one had to endure. I know I am one of the lucky ones. I had such a wonderful marriage, we truly were best friends.
My best friend came to visit me while I slept last night. Most of the time, he doesn't speak to me. But, I always feel his love for me. The most difficult thing is when I wake up and realize, it was just a dream and no matter how beautiful it was, I ache so much when I wake up. Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. It's almost as if I can actually feel the breaks running through my heart growing larger.
It seems as if the day outside feels my pain. The birds aren't singing so sweetly and the day is dark and drizzly. The dogs are curled up together on my bed looking up at me every once in awhile to see if I am still in the room.
Normally, this would have been the time when I would try to lose myself in food, but, I know it isn't really an empty stomach I am feeling, it is a lonely heart. I don't know how to feed that.
I am very empathetic, so, I feel your pain as well as my own and trust me, I really wish I could fix everyone that hurts. So many people lost their spouses, children, parents, friends, pets, jobs,etc... If there was just a way to fix it all, oh how I would. When I went to counselling to try and deal with my husband's death and feeling that everyone abandoned me, I was told that I couldn't carry my own sadness to stop trying to carry every one else's too.
I stopped going to her. Obviously group therapy was a big mistake since, I held on to all the sadness in the room. So, I am on my own with all of you that follow my blog. Sometimes, it will be a sad post since it helps me to get it out.
While my husband was in the hospital, waiting for a new heart, which I was certain that he would get, I wrote everything down. I refused to have anything negative near him. I couldn't bear the thought that it would reach him and he wouldn't make it through the wait. I refused to let the nurses give details to anyone that called in fear that they would have thoughts that he wasn't going to pull through.
Being empathetic is very difficult when you have a loved one needing a transplant. I used to speak with the nurses about it because, I was praying so hard for a heart to come, but, that would mean that I was praying for someone else to suffer the loss of someone that they loved. How selfish of me. But, yet I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had no doubts what so ever that my husband would survive. The doctors couldn't believe that he was still fighting some nights, but, I would go in his room and his breathing would calm and his blood pressure would regulate. The nurses and the doctors kept telling me that I was the best medicine for him.
I used to sit and hold his hands all day. I would lay my head in his lap and sleep. I would kiss his hands because I was too short to reach his lips, and then they woke him out of the induced coma. He would pucker up his lips to kiss me every time he looked at me. A male nurse there told me that he didn't know me. that the medication gave them amnesia. That broke my heart! Even today nearly five years has passed and due to my PTSD, I relive it all over and over. I KNOW that he KNEW ME!! When I asked another nurse, she was so angry at the male nurse,and told me to just look at his numbers when I am with him! Of course he knew me!
I honestly don't know if I have truly accepted that he is gone. I feel him so strongly. I swear sometimes, if I could just focus my eyes differently, maybe, just maybe I could catch a glimpse of him. His smile and those huge dimples and his beautiful blue eyes. I miss his scent, I miss everything about him except for the cigarettes. Sometimes I still wonder, why the doctors just wouldn't take my heart for him, he would have done so much better with it I think. He was a great man and I was so lucky that he picked me to be his!