Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Schmoozing before bed

I have switched over my blog to this blog spot. Much easier for me to navigate.
I am happy to report that my cousin Mark, had his  heart surgery and is doing very well!! I was very worried since it was a very long operation and honestly, my mind wondered to my darling husband.
  If you read my earlier post, you will know that I am a widow.
(insert dream sequence music here and wavy lines)
 My husband, let's call him Gilly. That is actually what I did call him. He was eight years my senior with a sense of humor that made everyone around him want to be a part of his life. He was 5'4 to my 5'3, but, he was the "tallest" man that I knew.
 He had a crooked smile, blue eyes that twinkled as if they were a sparkles burning brightly, and dimples that were just too big and beautiful to be ignored. It was if he were a magnet, everything from children, animals, and adults were drawn to him. And I, was so lucky to have been his love, his wife. If he didn't smoke, I would have said he was perfect.
 I had met Gilly when I was in high school. Gilly's brother Pinto (nickname)was one of my best friends, and worked at a local family restaurant (after school) that Gilly was the manager of.
This restaurant served the best homemade ice cream, so, a few of us kids, would go there and hang out and Gilly would come and joke with all of us. Most every date would always wind up back at the restaurant for ice cream and cokes.
 My best friend Susan, married my best friend Pinto and that pretty much cemented me to be part of the family. Little did I know, that one day, I too would marry into the family.
 Many years later, I bumped into Gilly again. I had been divorced for a few years and wasn't wanting any relationship. Gilly had called Susan to get my number and ...well, that's another story.
  I loved that man with every fiber of my being. He was like oxygen to my lungs and all I wanted to do was breathe him in forever.
  I knew we were lucky to have the kind of love that we had. It is so rare and so beautiful. Not saying we didn't argue, because we sometimes did, but, we loved so intensely. I thanked God for the love He had blessed me with.
  Gilly woke up on the day of our anniversary, throwing up and having cold sweats. I too was throwing up, so, we thought perhaps we caught a bug. After two days I was better, but, Gilly wasn't, so, we went to the ER to see if they could help him. That is when they rushed him to OR to see what was going on in his chest.
  Our daughter Leah was in college, my dad was on the 3rd floor of the hospital having fallen at his home.
   My dad was just down the hall in a room under observation because he had fallen and banged his head at home, so, I ran down the hall to visit him for some strength that only a dad can give.
  When I returned to waiting room it seemed as if hours were moving as slowly as a sloth climbing upa tree trunk that has been greased. I was scared and alone. I think I may have sent Leah a text, but, I am not sure. All I know is that suddenly, she was beside me and hugging me.  Finally, the specialist came out and sat with us. He told us that my husband was a very sick man and he was going to send him to Boston for a heart transplant.
 The doctors were surprised he even survived the night, but, he kept fighting. He held my hand and told me that he loved me more than anything and he knew that this specialist was going to get us home.

 I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks as if they were made of lava. They burn so badly, but, nothing compares to the pain in my heart. I often wonder how a heart that is so shattered can still beat, how people that don't know me, think that everything is fine. If you were to look at me, to look in my eyes, you would see that there is such sadness.
 I had asked the doctor to please, PLEASE take my heart for him. My heart already belonged to him, and would do me no good if he didn't make it. The Dr just patted my hand and told me I was the best medicine for my husband.
 One month and 1 day from our anniversary, my husband's heart could no longer hold on and it stopped beating. There was nothing I could do. I begged him to come back into his body. I didn't want to go a day without him. And yet, he did not come back. He stayed sleeping and left me alone to face a life without him to hold me.
  It has been 4 years, but, to me it still seems like yesterday. I keep hoping that I must have been in an accident and in a coma. I've  made my family worry so much. If only I could wake up, I will be in a hospital room with my family gathered around me...
  But, instead, I sleep. I dream and in those dreams, I am whole again...my husband comes and for a few hours, I am home.


  1. Betsy, what beautiful and sad story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how lonely you are without him. And how blessed you were to have had him, and to be so fully loved. Welcome to blog spot, I hope to get to know you. Natalie

    1. Natalie, thank you...I was truly blessed to have had that love,not every one is lucky enough to experience it.