Part of my trying to heal is trying to build up self confidence. Being unemployed doesn't help, but, there is a job just for me out there.
Since my husband passed away, it is very difficult for me to go places, especially alone. I push through my fears by praying and forcing myself to get out of the house.
The other day was really uplifting for me because I went into a store in our little community and felt so empowered. I actually knew someone that worked in there, he made me feel very comfortable. Its a great little store called Natures Way Market. They don't sell diet coke, but, they specialize in local products and a butcher shop!
When I arrived at home, I kept this momentum going and looked up a customer that I really enjoyed seeing at the bank. He would come every Thursday morning and cash his check before going into Boston. I always looked forward to speaking with him. He always had a smile and something nice to say.
I found someone online with his name, so, I got extremely brave and sent a little e-mail to him. I asked if he was the same person that would come to the bank on Thursdays and if so, I wanted to let him know that I wasn't there any longer and that I will miss seeing his smile.
Now, that might not sound especially brave to you, but, that is a huge deal for me! How bold of me! What if he is with someone or married! He used to wear a wedding band but I had noticed that there wasn't one for a couple of years. UGH! I will be so embarrassed.
I actually got an e-mail back from him stating that it actually was him and that he had asked about me, and that he misses my smile too. Awww so sweet. But, non committing and vague as to his relationship status.
If he is single, what then? I'm not sure that I would actually want to date. It would be great to have a mans company and touch. I miss being hugged tightly.
Ignoring all common sense, I decided to write a little longer e-mail back to him. I hit send before I could talk myself out of it. I ended it with maybe we will bump into each other some time.
I feel as if I am in high school all over again, passing notes back and forth. I feel butterflys in my stomach which I haven't felt for a very long time, and I think I like it.