Wednesday, July 11, 2012
It's the Pity Party~Table for 1
It's one of those days,no, one of those weeks. Years? hmmmm lifetimes! At least that is how it really feels today. (This is where my daughter would ask me if I took my pills)
Sometimes, it feels as if I can't seem to even gain ground in this battle of survival. The worst thing, I have brought my daughter into this fight too.
She is a wonderful young woman who I am sure would rather be anywhere other than having to live with her mom and her mom's P.T.S.D.
We are just bombarded with so much and never seem to get a break to breathe. Dreams are put on hold, some, indefinitely.
I won't bore you with what got us to this point in our lives, but, we have lost way too much, way too fast for my little mind to handle. You can go and search the archive if you don't know how we got here to this place in our lives.
It helps me to write, to get my words down so they aren't filling the little space I have in my head.
This week is almost too much to endure. First, we ran out of propane. Not for the gas grill that I adopted after my parents died, but for the home. No matter how much pleading with P Gagnon & son, they won't take payments. We use propane to heat water and cook. Okay it's summer, cooking really isn't needed, but, God, help us, the cold showers are a bit much!
We figured that we would buy propane the next time that Leah got paid, all in time for the BBQ which we have been planning for a couple of months.We wanted to spend time with friends and family and let them all see our new spot in the woods. The hopes of that were cancelled yesterday when the car decided to spill liquid all over the ground. Thank God that Leah was at work and not stranded somewhere all alone!!
Our friend darling friend Kara, used her AAA to get Leah's car towed to the garage. As luck would have it, it wasn't something simple and cheap. Nope not for us and my party of woe. It will cost 900. That is more than she brings home in 2 weeks and I can't seem to find work. (there is a long story behind that too)
My question is to all these car fixers, why can't you have a payment plan? Since they won't take a payment plan, and Leah still has to work, she has gone to live with Kara until we can scrape up the money needed to get the car fixed. (Anyone know Ellen DeGeneres or Oprah personally? We sure could use her help in a new car for my daughter)
So yeah, here I am, sitting on my bed, with my dogs cuddled up closely, wondering, what I did so wrong and who I hurt so badly? You know, the saying, "what goes around, comes around." What the hell did I do and it must have been a doozie because my daughter is getting the "comes around" with me.
Is it the anger I had for God when my husband died? Is it that I couldn't bear to leave his body as he lay in that cold ugly box? It made his family call me selfish and write us off as if we were nothing. They forget that my husband "picked" us. He adopted my daughter and told her during the adoption that it was just a name change, that she has ALWAYS been his.
I was so so close to going to school for one of my dreams and now I don't know if I will ever get there. UGH
All parties should also have a toast. Hmmm let's think of 1. Here's to fighting the fight, holding on to tomorrow, keeping the good memories of yesterday, and facing the challenge , no matter how dark and scary it seems, face it whith a smile that makes your eyes gleam...or something like that.
We all have days that don't go right, and we can wallow in the darkness of self pity and think we will never find the light again. Or, you can throw yourself a pity party! Break out your best drinking glass, and some ice. Fill your glass with water, turn on the music to fast and upbeat songs..you know, party music! Go wash your face and brush your teeth. Dress up, after all, it is a party!
Feel that? Is it hope trying to crash this party? Well, I think maybe it is!! Welcome hope in! She is a great guest! Before you know it, you will be singing! Go ahead, so what if you can't carry a tune. There is always hope that no one will hear you. Once you welcome hope in, don't let go. Cling onto hope with all that you have! Hope is so very important! Hope will help you through the day. Hope usually brings in a friend with her. If you think about it, I am sure you will know who hope brings to the party.
Well, it's none other than pray! That's right, you've got it!! Hope and Pray!! They are great friends to have around, no matter what is going on in your life. If you hope and pray, the better days will be right around the corner! So, it's okay to have a pity party. But, remember, it is a party, so have some fun with it.