Wednesday, February 29, 2012

National Pancake Day???!!!!

 Yesterday was National Pancake Day at IHOP.  God, I need H E L P!! I love the pancakes there and they were free (I donated money to the Children's Hospital for the payment). Thank goodness it was only one short stack per customer that was free.
  My friend Danielle and I decided to meet there for lunch and hang out. I started out really well, I had a glass of water with lemon, then my mind did it's gluttony thing saying I should also get a sandwich. After all,  a short stack of pancakes? Please! Who would ever get full on that?
 I don't know when I decided that the feeling of being overly full was when I was supposed to stop eating; my problem, I don't seem to have the little voice that tells me that I am full. I surely wasn't that way when I was younger. I knew when to stop, when I felt satisfied. When did the taste of the food make me decide it was okay to over indulge? As my clothes got bigger, why didn't that set off any alarms? Hey, WHOA wait a minute Betsy, take a serious look at what you are doing to yourself.
 After losing everything in our year of sadness, my mom, dad, friend, business, in-laws, dog, job and home, I figured it was just easier to eat my sadness away.
  Oh, I did not just let sadness be my guide to the land of gluttony; loneliness,  despair, emptiness... I thought they were great tour guides, and I followed them eagerly.
 I had such a wonderful little affair with Dove Promises! After all, they have promises inside the wrapper and they NEEDED me. Those promises were written just for me. Some one in that beautiful candy factory had knowledge of me and the pain and heartache I was trying to live with. They were trying to help me, it was a sweet gesture, how could I dare disappoint them. I had to eat the whole bag and see what they were trying to tell me.  Could I just have a serving of them and be satisfied? Oh, sure! I didn't care what a serving size was, I thought it was the entire bag!
 Hmmm, I just may be an emotional eater. Ya think?  For every emotion, I needed to deal with it by eating food. High calories, high fat, anything as long as it was rich and dreamy. I found my drug to help me heal. FOOD.
  Food became my God. Well, you can't quit food, you have to survive, you have to eat. We are taught early on in life, celebrate with food, and holidays were always my favorite because it was like having a free pass to eat whatever and all day long.
  Well, not this time, I will make certain that I become healthy. I can do this! I will do this.

When my daughter got out of work, guess where we were going to stop with some friends for supper. IHOP!  Yup, not once, but twice in one day! This time I was smart. I spent almost all my weekly extra points in one meal! The old me would say, screw it, and pig out on more pancakes. After all, who do I need to look good for? Who? ME!!! That's who!
  The moment of truth comes, here comes the waitress, everyone ordered, free pancakes please with a side of...I can feel the excitement building, my turn to order, my mouth opened and I said may I have the pancakes please and a fruit cup. After all, the fruit cup will be 0 points. Who cares if I eat more pancakes. Pancakes, butter and syrup.Warm syrup, slowly drizzling over the top and sides of three perfectly cooked hot pancakes. Oh, the thought of them going into my mouth and savoring the taste...who am I fooling, I would eat them too quickly to savor anything!
  The food came. Yummmm oh the ball of butter was huge and I could just taste that delushious combination of melted butter and warm syrup, gliding over my tongue and ...    I gave my pancakes away!! I did it! I DID IT!!!! I was faced with temptation and choice correctly to keep me on track.
I happily ate my fruit cup and felt satisfied. No, I felt empowered! I was faced with feeding my low self esteem but, overcame the hurdle. I not only faced the hurdle head on, I leaped right over it!!
   Thank you Weight Watchers for this new plan and thank you to my daughter, who decided enough was enough. We are making this healthy journey of weight loss together and finding inner strength where we thought we had none. Like all adventures, I'm sure there will be some bumps in the road, but, we have each other to pull each other out of any tight spots. Plus, I am taking you all along for the ride!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Schmoozing With Betsy: Losing with Betsy

Schmoozing With Betsy: Losing with Betsy: My daughter and I decided to suck it up and have us both join the Weight Watchers online program. I must say I am impressed! You can ea...

Monday, February 27, 2012

Bravely Schmoozing

 Part of my trying to heal is trying to build up self confidence. Being unemployed doesn't help, but, there is a job just for me out there.
Since my husband passed away, it is very difficult for me to go places, especially alone. I push through my fears by praying and forcing myself to get out of the house.
 The other day was really uplifting for me because I went into a store in our little community and felt so empowered.  I actually knew someone that worked in there, he made me feel very comfortable. Its a great little store called Natures Way Market. They don't sell diet coke, but, they specialize in local products and a butcher shop!
  When I arrived at home, I kept this momentum going and looked up a customer that I really enjoyed seeing at the bank. He would come every Thursday morning and cash his check before going into Boston. I always looked forward to speaking with him. He always had a smile and something nice to say.
 I found someone online with his name, so, I got extremely brave and sent a little e-mail to him.  I asked if he was the same person that would come to the bank on Thursdays and if so, I wanted to let him know that I wasn't there any longer and that I will miss seeing his smile.
  Now, that might not sound especially brave to you, but, that is a huge deal for me! How bold of me! What if he is with someone or married! He used to wear a wedding band but I had noticed that there wasn't one for a couple of years. UGH! I will be so embarrassed.
  I actually got an e-mail back from him stating that it actually was him and that he had asked about me, and that he misses my smile too.  Awww so sweet. But, non committing and vague as to his relationship status.
  If he is single, what then? I'm not sure that I would actually want to date. It would be great to have a mans company and touch. I miss being hugged tightly.
 Ignoring all common sense, I decided to write a little longer e-mail back to him. I hit send before I could talk myself out of it. I ended it with maybe we will bump into each other some time.
 I feel as if I am in high school all over again, passing notes back and forth. I feel butterflys in my stomach which I haven't felt for a very long time, and I think I like it.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Schmoozing with pets

For as long as I can remember, I have always had pets. My parents loved them and so we always had at least one. Mostly they were dogs and cats, but, sometimes, we would have different little critters to observe.
My brothers (taught by my mom) would catch snakes. I loved the fact that my mom could catch snakes, but, bring a caterpillar around her and she would get the heebie jeebies. We'd have ants that we would catch and put in a jar and watch them as they scurried around digging their endless mazes through the dirt.
 Once, my brother Steve even had a scorpion mama with babies, that, the movers wrapped and packed when my family moved from Florida to Otis AFB. He had been searching for his jar that held his dangerous treasure, so that he could release them into the wild...better known as our back yard. But, we never found them until we were unpacking in our new home.
 My sister Chris was able to have her dog Mr. Spock, move with us. What a great friendship they had. Oh, he loved everyone, but, she was most definitely his special person. She would do this sort of tarzan yell and no matter where he was, he'd come running. If he wanted you to go somewhere, he would grab your hand in his mouth and take you. Sometimes it was just to go out, and sometimes it was a journey. We even watched him save the life of a cat once. The cat was in the road and a car was coming, he ran into the road, grabbed the cats head in his mouth and brought it safely to the side of the road. Oh yes, he was a very special friend.
 While on Otis, our next door neighbors had 2 cats, they were half Siamese and half Persian. Thumper and Flower. When Flower was having her kittens, my neighbor called me over. I was able to watch the kittens being born. Very exciting! I even picked out one, she looked just like her mom, a Siamese with little white feet. I named her Daisy. My little brother John picked out one that looked just like Thumper, no one would have know that he was a mix. He looked pure Siamese and he was lovingly named Tigerino.
 Years went by, more moves to new bases, but, we were all okay. After all, we had our best friends with us.
 Daisy lived for 25 years. I still had her when Leah was born. She became Leah's little protector. She would cuddle up to her when I would lay Leah down for a nap, and if Leah stirred, Daisy let me know.
 Now, we have 2 cats, 1 named KC (short for kitty cat) and the other Binx. KC was supposed to be for Leah when she was in the 1st grade, but, she took a liking to Gilly. When ever we would try to pet her, she would slink down so you would miss, but, not with Gilly, she would rub all over him and had to sleep under the covers right up against him. She's a beautiful old girl, mostly black with white feet and splotches all over. She allows us to pet her now, but, at night, she cries for Gilly.
Binx, oh Binx. He is a very special boy. He is an orange tabby that we saved. He is Leah's cat and lets her know it. When she went away to college and would come home for visits, he would be all lovey and then remember that Leah didn't take him along with her. He would growl at her for days until he finally forgave her. He still will get mad at her if she won't let him in her room and that boy has some wonderful expressions.
Then there was my very first dog. Sammie. Sammie was attached to me. We adopted her from the shelter, a black lab mix...I think with a beagle. Sammy died during our year of darkness. She gave us 15 fun filled years.
 We had others along with Sammie Huey, Katie and Cheyenne. Huey, a newfy lab mix, huge and gentle and his companion Katie, a German Shepard, adopted from my father in law when he passed. And Cheyenne, beautiful Cheyenne, Shepard and collie mix.
  Now, I have Watson and Lily. I have come to the conclusion that I have a thing for naming my pets after flowers.
 Lily and Watson are brother and sister. Their mom is a German Shepard and their dad is a Golden Retriever ... so a German Retriever or a Golden Shepard??? The mom was in heat, broke out of her pen and their dad took her out on a date.
Watson is cool and calm, black with brindle lines on his face and legs. He will hold a conversation with you...and he closes his mouth and smiles at you. That boy loves balls, he doesn't care if you toss them, he tosses them himself and runs after it.
Lily, oh my Lily, she can be a handful. She looks full blooded Shepard except for her ears...her adorable ears are half up and half down, reminds me of The Flying Nun's hat. She is 95 pounds of bouncing mischief.
 They are my healers, they have forced me to get up, even though I didn't want to. They take me for walks to get fresh air and they lick my tears away when I cry. They even will make room for me on my bed so that I can sleep. They wash the dishes if left in the sink, clean the kitty litter if I'm not paying attention and protect me by letting me know when something dangerous is in our yard. I am amazed at how dangerous a cute little squirrel must be, or the gaggle of turkeys running in the driveway. We thank them for protecting us, but, mostly, I thank them for always being there for me, for loving me even when I don't love myself, for making me feel safe from mad squirrels hunting for nuts. But, most of all I thank them for always being my friend and companions on this new adventure in life, they will face the fears with me and enjoy each new day, and every time I come home, I wonder which of us is happier to see the other one. I am happy to be owned.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Schmoozing before bed

I have switched over my blog to this blog spot. Much easier for me to navigate.
I am happy to report that my cousin Mark, had his  heart surgery and is doing very well!! I was very worried since it was a very long operation and honestly, my mind wondered to my darling husband.
  If you read my earlier post, you will know that I am a widow.
(insert dream sequence music here and wavy lines)
 My husband, let's call him Gilly. That is actually what I did call him. He was eight years my senior with a sense of humor that made everyone around him want to be a part of his life. He was 5'4 to my 5'3, but, he was the "tallest" man that I knew.
 He had a crooked smile, blue eyes that twinkled as if they were a sparkles burning brightly, and dimples that were just too big and beautiful to be ignored. It was if he were a magnet, everything from children, animals, and adults were drawn to him. And I, was so lucky to have been his love, his wife. If he didn't smoke, I would have said he was perfect.
 I had met Gilly when I was in high school. Gilly's brother Pinto (nickname)was one of my best friends, and worked at a local family restaurant (after school) that Gilly was the manager of.
This restaurant served the best homemade ice cream, so, a few of us kids, would go there and hang out and Gilly would come and joke with all of us. Most every date would always wind up back at the restaurant for ice cream and cokes.
 My best friend Susan, married my best friend Pinto and that pretty much cemented me to be part of the family. Little did I know, that one day, I too would marry into the family.
 Many years later, I bumped into Gilly again. I had been divorced for a few years and wasn't wanting any relationship. Gilly had called Susan to get my number and ...well, that's another story.
  I loved that man with every fiber of my being. He was like oxygen to my lungs and all I wanted to do was breathe him in forever.
  I knew we were lucky to have the kind of love that we had. It is so rare and so beautiful. Not saying we didn't argue, because we sometimes did, but, we loved so intensely. I thanked God for the love He had blessed me with.
  Gilly woke up on the day of our anniversary, throwing up and having cold sweats. I too was throwing up, so, we thought perhaps we caught a bug. After two days I was better, but, Gilly wasn't, so, we went to the ER to see if they could help him. That is when they rushed him to OR to see what was going on in his chest.
  Our daughter Leah was in college, my dad was on the 3rd floor of the hospital having fallen at his home.
   My dad was just down the hall in a room under observation because he had fallen and banged his head at home, so, I ran down the hall to visit him for some strength that only a dad can give.
  When I returned to waiting room it seemed as if hours were moving as slowly as a sloth climbing upa tree trunk that has been greased. I was scared and alone. I think I may have sent Leah a text, but, I am not sure. All I know is that suddenly, she was beside me and hugging me.  Finally, the specialist came out and sat with us. He told us that my husband was a very sick man and he was going to send him to Boston for a heart transplant.
 The doctors were surprised he even survived the night, but, he kept fighting. He held my hand and told me that he loved me more than anything and he knew that this specialist was going to get us home.

 I can feel the tears flowing down my cheeks as if they were made of lava. They burn so badly, but, nothing compares to the pain in my heart. I often wonder how a heart that is so shattered can still beat, how people that don't know me, think that everything is fine. If you were to look at me, to look in my eyes, you would see that there is such sadness.
 I had asked the doctor to please, PLEASE take my heart for him. My heart already belonged to him, and would do me no good if he didn't make it. The Dr just patted my hand and told me I was the best medicine for my husband.
 One month and 1 day from our anniversary, my husband's heart could no longer hold on and it stopped beating. There was nothing I could do. I begged him to come back into his body. I didn't want to go a day without him. And yet, he did not come back. He stayed sleeping and left me alone to face a life without him to hold me.
  It has been 4 years, but, to me it still seems like yesterday. I keep hoping that I must have been in an accident and in a coma. I've  made my family worry so much. If only I could wake up, I will be in a hospital room with my family gathered around me...
  But, instead, I sleep. I dream and in those dreams, I am whole husband comes and for a few hours, I am home.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Good Morning Schmoozers!

I just grabbed my coffee and am beginning to have a clear mind. I don't know about you, but,my most favorite drink to have when I wake up in the morning is a diet coke. There is just something so refreshing about a diet coke. The bubbles work their magic starting from the first tingle on my tongue and seem to make my mind say, I'm ready for almost anything.
Yes, I will happily admit that I am a diet coke-alholic.  Oh, I know that too much of a good thing can be bad, so, I do make certain to get in other liquids such as water and juices and of course SILK Almond unsweetened milk; but, my all time get up and go drink is a diet coke, nothing else for me can even come close.
I am saddened to say that I have no diet coke today so, this morning I decided to brew a pot of coffee and add a little cocoa and pure vanilla extract to my cup of joe. Yum. Note to self, experiment successful.
Quick side track here...If you haven't heard about "cup of joe for a joe" Please do your heart some good and check out this site. It is inexpensive and it means so much to them. Here is the link...of course if clicking on it won't work please copy and paste it into your browser.  here's what they do: Buy a Cup Of Joe for $2. We'll deliver it with your own letter from home to one of our Troops serving overseas and give 'em a way to write back to you. Learn more:  they also have a facebook page:   $2.00 so little money for something so thoughtful and heart warming for someone that could use a bit of love from home.
Oh gosh, I totally forgot what else I was going to say, see, I  Need my diet coke!
Have a great day my darling smoozers! I'm off to walk my dogs but first I will take my own advice and today, I will send a bag of joe!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Hello World

First off, welcome welcome!! Please get comfy, seat belts on, hands and feet inside at all times...this may be a very bumpy ride.
In order to start schmoozing with me, I'll have to tell you a little about who I am. I am the sixth child  out of seven, blessed to a wonderful mother and father. I am the youngest daughter and that put me in a great spot growing  up. Everyone looked out for me. My dad was in the military and I loved living that life! My mom taught me how to cook and do all kinds of crafty things.
Yes, I indeed had a great childhood. Humor was a huge part of growing up. Even around the supper table, from brothers blocking our bites by reaching across us, to my dad singing Betsy Beane strong and able, get your elbows off the table; which of course my brothers would sing Betsy Beane weak and unable...
My dad retired in New Hampshire and that is where I have lived until recently, my daughter and I have moved to Maine...okay, it is only across the bridge from NH that we have moved, but, it is a new state for us.
I have a fanatisical ( I will make up words) daughter, Leah. She has pretty amazing friends that have also adopted me. So, a lot of this blog may just end up being about how they are trying to raise me.
I suffer from post traumatic stress. My family went through a year of sadness and try as I may, to change things, I can not. I keep going over and over it in my mind trying to come out with a different outcome. I'm sure that I will go into further detail as we go forward, but, let's just say it was very tough hanging onto sanity.
With-in six months, in 2007, we lost my mom, my husband and my dad. In that same year, my job was dissolved, my dear friend died of breast cancer, my daughter and her college roommate Tasha, lost everything in a dorm fire.( No one was hurt, Thank God.) Tasha's dad died, my husband's best friend died, my dog of 15 years died, we were robbed while at my dads funeral, we lost my restaurant, then we lost our house. Needless to say, when Leah and I watch the ball drop for 2008, we cried.
Although I'm sure that some of the writings may be sad, I want this to be a place to heal. A place where we can let go and laugh and cry together.
There will be mini headers "Boozing with Betsy"  with special guests as we drink and enjoy each others company.
"Muzing with Betsy" funny little antidotes.
"Cruzing with Betsy" trips that we may take. You get the idea, so welcome, I am honored that you have invited me in.